This was my dinner tonight. Here is a link to the recipe. I got it from the Forks over knives app. I actually added a half a cup of canelli beans because I needed another serving of beans today.
Finding Joy amid challenges AND what I have learned from cancer and from you about ministering
Choose Joy Journal: “When you know your life is being directed by God, regardless of the challenges and disappointments that may and will come, you will feel joy and peace.” President Russell M. Nelson
I heard this quote at church Sunday and it really spoke to my heart. I realized that it took me a few months since my diagnosis, but I am now at a place where I know without a doubt that my life is being directed by God. I no longer have any fear about any test or procedure, and I am at Peace with whatever my eventual outcome is. He is with me as I fight this and with Him my burden is light. That release of fear and anger and other negative emotions allows me to have joy. I am able to identify something everyday that brings me joy and the joy is helping me heal. I have moments where a wave of grief about the loss of the life I had expected and the complete change my life has become comes over me, but then I move on and the sad moments are fewer and fewer. What an amazing thing to experience. For more information about the back story about my choose joy journal, click on the choose joy journal tab at the top of the page. Initially, the thought of the choose joy journal did not bring me joy! In fact I was mad! Looking back, I think God gave me a much needed kick in the pants that I had more growing to do.
Later at church in our women’s meeting we discussed again what ministering is and what it should look like. You all have taught me beautifully as you have ministered to me. Before starting this blog I posted a lot on Facebook. Here is a previous post about ministering I originally posted on Facebook.
What I have learned from all of you and from cancer about ministering (written on May 4, 2018)
When I was diagnosed with cancer I reflected on why and decided that while I thought I had learned from going through trials in my life previously, God had more for me to learn. From past trials I learned empathy for others, how to pray and rely on my Heavenly Father, how to forgive others who had hurt me, and how to let the atonement of Christ heal me from that hurt. It took years and years to learn some of those things and I experienced miracles. So now I have been thinking, “what does Heavenly Father want me to learn from this? What am I learning?”
In the church I belong to, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we have a bi-annual general conference. In April, the president of our church announced a change to a practice we have been doing for more than a hundred years. It is called “home teaching and visiting teaching.” All of us were assigned people and families that we had stewardship over and we were encouraged to visit them once a month. We had a monthly message that we shared at each visit. As we developed relationships, we were able to serve and help when they needed it. I have made precious friends with women and had life changing experiences as I visited and served the women I had stewardship over. Now instead of “home teaching and visiting teaching” It will just be called “ministering.” There will be no monthly message or directive to visit monthly. Instead we are to “minister”. We heard messages of what ministering should look like. As I listened I felt that if we were truly doing “visiting teaching and home teaching” right we were ministering, but sometimes we (me included) were not doing it right. Sometimes I would scramble on the last few days of the month to arrange a visit, look up the message and leave it along with the worn out saying, “if there is anything I can do for you, let me know.” No more of that. I am supposed to develop relationships, pray about what I can do for the women I have stewardship over, and then do it. No monthly requirement or generic message, just serve!!!!
So what have I learned from you and from cancer about ministering? here are a few things:
1. More emphathy!! Look around and be aware of the people around you everyday. The first time I went for an infusion I did not notice others around me. I was absorbed in my self as I sat dizzy from this new experience. Wednesday was my 4th infusion. As I sat in the waiting room I looked around. There were so many people! Some much older than me. Some with no hair, some like me who may not look like they are sick, but are. One older man sat slumped in his chair. He walked with a walker and looked weak and feeble. I realized that he is anything but a weakling!! He has made it to his old age and is now fighting cancer. He is tough and has grit that I can only imagine! I saw others who were smiling and realized that they may be doing the best they can amid terrible pain, as I have recently done. Sometimes the smile is more of a “fake it until you make it.” kind of a thing. I saw people who were so generous. One man looked bewildered and asked where he could get some of the snacks others were eating. 3 others looked at him knowingly and pulled out snacks from their bags and gave them to him. They had learned that it is important to bring snacks to these infusion appointments that can be long. Sure the hospital has crackers and juice, but an apple is so much better! This man was just learning the ropes of this cancer game and benefited from the experience of more seasoned players of the game. So the lesson to me was, be aware of those around you and share what you have with them. Share a smile, a conversation, an apple, your love. For my friends who share my faith and are thinking of how to minister to those you have stewardship over, I think the first step is to KEEP THEM ON YOUR MIND. Be aware of them and think of them during the day or week. Not just once a month. Notice them and become aware of what is going on in their lives.
2. What to say or do to help.
GOOD: If there is anything I can do, let me know. The person going through a really tough trial appreciates this, but it can be a burden to think of things so that the person who says this can serve. That is why if you have said this (and I have) to someone, they rarely ever “let you know.” Usually the person in need just toughs it out and handles things on their own.
BETTER: I have been thinking of you. How are you feeling? Can I bring you some food? When can I come and visit? Texting, private messages and email is great!
BEST: I made dinner and have extra. Would you like me to bring you some? I would like to come and clean your bathrooms. Would you like me to come and do that for you? I would like to visit you Wednesday at 6:00. Is that OK? If you are not up to it I could do another time. Can we mow your lawn? We would like to plant flowers for you. Can we do that? I am going to the store. Can I pick up some groceries for you? My family has been thinking of what we could do for you and we decided we are praying every night together for you. My kids and I made this necklace for you so that you can wear it to your cancer treatments and not be afraid. I thought you needed something to snuggle with so I brought you this stuffed llama! We made this soft quilt for you. My kids drew this picture for you. Send a box from one of those meal companies that comes prepped and ready to cook. Bring homemade pretzels. Bring homemade bread. Send a box of socks, slippers, magazines, snacks, word find books, and other things that make you smile. Offer to drive them to appointments. Walk with them. Send a beautiful flower arrangement. Leave a vase of daffodil buds anonymously so that the person you are serving can enjoy seeing them open. Make a playlist of songs and help put them on their phone. Offer to help write thank you notes. Send Texts and private messages telling them you are thinking of them. Send hand written cards. Share scriptures that made you think of them. Pray WITH them. If that person asks for recommendations on where to get something they need, GET IT FOR THEM.
BESTEST: Pray about what you can do and follow every inspiration and prompting. You will be sending a direct message from God that He loves that person. Even if the prompting you get seems strange. JUST DO IT.
These are things I have received from you. You have taught me how to minister to others. I have had wonderful texting conversations that I still look at and read. They bring me such joy and inspiration.
3. Just a reminder of what NOT to do:
Don’t tell them what they should be doing, eating, buying from you. Don’t tell them not to complain. Don’t tell them about your friends or family that “had that, and that they are dead now.” Don’t “one up them” and share a worse experience you have had.
4. And one last thing. If you are the person needing help, ASK. Let others serve. I needed grab bars installed in my bathroom for my mother and I. All it took is asking and a few of my friends told me about Plain O Helpers. They are a totally volunteer organization that installs them at no charge. Only the cost of the bars. Two retired men did a beautiful job for me this morning!!!! (today’s choose joy journal entry). With facebook and email, I have learned that all of us know more than just me! We all have knowledge about things that we can share and help each other with. Also, be patient with those trying to figure out how to help. We are all learning how to minister.
Chick Pea “Tuna”
Easy dinner tonight. I made “mayo” from page 238 of the Eat to Live quick and easy cookbook. It is made with cashews, sunflower seeds, apple cider vinegar, lemon juice, a couple of dates blended in a high speed blender. I mixed a couple tablespoons of the “mayo” with some mashed chick peas and pickles. Kind of like vegan tuna. I haven’t been feeling 100% since my surgery and infusion. This did not require much energy, but tasted good!
Taco Bar!
Taco bar! I made 2 different taco fillings. One was made with tempeh and taco seasoning. The other is a brown rice/corn/sweet potato mixture with taco seasonings and lime juice. I got the recipe from the current issue of Forks over Knives magazine. So good! Get the magazine and have tacos!
“When All Else Fails ” or “When Life Gives you Lemons” or “Legacy”
Now that I’ve passed the 6 month mark since my diagnosis, I find some people interact with me differently. Initially, I got a lot of pity, or “I’m so sorry” looks. I don’t look sick at all so at first nurses and healthcare workers greeted me with warm smiles. As soon as they read my chart, they usually said, “you have a lot going on.” and then I got “the look” the look that said, “you are really sick. I am so sorry for you.” They couldn’t help it. Their eyes betrayed the smile on their face. I got used to it. I also got the look from friends who have lost a loved one to cancer. They knew what was ahead of me and knowingly gave me “the look.” They gave me great support at first, but now instead of “the look” of understanding and pity, I get a confused look. I do not meet their expectations. They thought I would be dead by now and they don’t quite know how to face the reality that I am doing well. It must be hard to see me doing well and think of the loved one they lost. I get that. I don’t want to be someone who brings pain. I joined a support group on facebook made up of people with stage 4 kidney cancer. It brings me hope because there are quite a few who are still around after 7-10 years with a stage 4 diagnosis. There are 3 others however that were diagnosed the same week as me with similar presentation, metastasis to bone and lung. Two of them did not have their primary tumor removed. none were treated with the immunotherapy I am receiving. All 3 have died. The first oncologist I met with gave me 6 months to 2 years. He explained how sick I was and gave me very little hope. He wanted my blood for research so “others don’t end up like you.” This oncologist shall remain nameless. I did not stay with him. Here is a picture of my current oncologist Dr. Kevin Courtney. Dr. Courtney is always very conservative. He gave me hope! He along with the rest of my team are treating me aggressively and I am getting better. He is smiling in this picture as we had just gone over the latest CT scan that showed my tumors were shrinking with some gone. He cautiously told me that, “the best scenario for me is that in a couple of years I will STILL be doing OK.” I’ll take it!
Here is a picture of my urologist. Dr. Aditya Bagrodia. He was the team leader for my first big nephrectomy surgery. He lead a team of 3 that included a cardiovascular surgeon and a liver surgeon. He was worried before the surgery and made sure I clearly understood all of the risks. He told me again and again that I could die, and that if he got in there and it looked too dangerous, he would stop and close me back up. He is smiling in this picture because the surgery was a great success and this was a follow up visit. I told him that when I first met him, “I did not know how sick I was.” He said, “I knew it, I knew it.” How grateful I am that he took a risk and removed my kidney and primary tumor. My prognosis is good because of him.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a wedding reception and saw people I had not seen in quite a while. I spoke to one couple who did not know about my diagnosis. We had a good polite conversation. Later in the evening, they came back to talk to me. Someone must have told them about my diagnosis. They wanted to hear every detail of all of the terrible pain and side effects I was experiencing. It was like they suddenly came alive and they reveled in talking about the terribleness of my diagnosis. It was not a healthy conversation. I quickly stopped the conversation and told them that while I had experienced pain, I was not now and I am doing well. After that, they seemed to have nothing else to talk about. To be sure, I am not ignoring grief and pain, and I do have dear friends who listen when I need to talk about that, but I choose not to get caught up in it. When I met with a counselor, she told me that people get in trouble when they ignore grief and pain. They also get in trouble when they dwell in it and can’t get out of those feelings. She said it is like waves in the ocean. Feelings will come and go in intensity and we need to acknowledge them. But we also don’t want to get carried out to sea so far that we can’t make it back to shore. During this conversation, I felt like I was getting carried out in the sea of pain, grief and depression, and the couple I was talking with seemed to like it out there! Another friend told someone else she did not think I’d live longer than 5 months. Now that it has been over 6 months I don’t hear from her anymore. Strange. People deal with grief and pain in different ways and I think somehow I am a trigger for other’s feelings about cancer, death, and dying. And I am not fitting the mold. I am not dying today!! This morning I had a wonderful visit with Keri Allred and Chari Terry. They both understood me and were able to hear the not so good things I am experiencing, while rejoicing with me about the miracles I experience daily. I felt uplifted after their visit. Thanks Keri and Chari!
My counselor told me that I have the opportunity to leave a legacy. I have given that more thought over the last month. What will be my legacy? What do I want my grandchildren to know about their grandmother?
- One thing I thought of is education. I worked hard so that my children could graduate from college debt free. I am currently working on finishing my PhD. I want my grandchildren to know that I value education and that it is never too late to further your own education. I decided that if I don’t live long enough to use my retirement money I have accumulated with Cranial Technologies, I would like to have that money in a trust fund to be used by my grandchildren for their college education. I plan to meet with a financial expert within the next few weeks to get that all set up.
- Learning from mistakes. My mother taught me this. She also taught my children this. We have an inside joke “when all else fails…..make a bush.”
My mom likes to paint. When my kids were little, she was painting with them. She painted a large tree and meant to paint a beach ball lying next to the trunk of the tree. The ball did not turn out so she said, “when all else fails, make a bush!” Then she painted over the ball and made a bush next to the tree. I would like my grandchildren to know that if we aren’t making mistakes, we are not learning or growing. There are never just mistakes, but there are learning opportunities. I would like for them to be able to be flexible and make the best out of mistakes. Knowing how to make something good out of a disaster is a good skill to have. My mother had it, I think I am able to do this most of the time too. Here is a picture of my mother holding a picture of a butterfly she painted. My mother is beautiful like this butterfly she painted. She has overcome trials and great difficulty in her life. She overcame a painful divorce. She is a breast cancer survivor. She is a miracle. She is a fighter. I am my mother’s daughter. We don’t give up. We make the most out of whatever life throws at us. We learn, we fight, we work very hard, we are flexible, we make bushes out of beach balls that don’t look like beach balls. Our picture may not look like we thought it would at first, but it is beautiful. My mother’s life did not turn out at all like she thought it would. But it is beautiful. I have this song on my infusion playlist: “Lemonade” by Alex Boye. It may seem cheesy, but I love the message. Life gave me a bushel of lemons. I am enjoying some sweet lemonade. “You can be bitter or you can be better.” “I used to be bitter, now I am better”. Here is the utube video of the song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS0uS8Tfyt4
3. Here is a picture of my mother-in-law Patsy. She passed in April 2011 after a long battle with breast cancer. She taught me to enjoy each day and to be grateful for every blessing. She left me that great legacy. She is beautiful inside and out. Patsy loved glass jars of every kind. She saved pickle jars, mayonnaise jars, and mason jars and kept leftovers in them. With my new eating plan, I make batches of beans and rice and put them in mason jars in the refrigerator. When I look in my fridge at the mason jars full of food, I think of her. I feel her with me in my cancer fight. I know I am not alone. I know Patsy is with me as are many others. Patsy never wanted anyone to carry too much. We spent many vacations at the beach and all of us carried chairs and food. She always took something from us so we did not carry too much. If she was at the grocery store with us, she always took some of the bags of groceries from us so we did not carry too heavy a load. I know she is lifting this cancer burden with me. My load is light because she is helping me carry it! I am not alone. I would like my grandchildren to learn from this. I would like to leave the legacy of “lifting” the burdens of others. I hope they learn to notice other’s burdens and step in to help lift them. Like Patsy did. Like I have tried to do.
One Pot Spinach Artichoke Pasta
Today I tried this recipe. It cooks in one large frying pan. I added greens I had from a friend’s garden, and mushrooms. Because mushrooms make everything better! And because I love heat I was generous with the crushed red pepper. Cashew butter adds thickness that binds it all together. The artichokes in this recipe along with the red pepper flakes are what I think make it! I am not sure how leftovers will taste. I think if I prepared it from leftovers, I would put it back in a frying pan and add a little more vegetable broth. It made a very tasty lunch! I ate it with an orange and cucumber. Here is the recipe https://frommybowl.com/one-pot-spinach-artichoke-pasta/