This is the story behind my “choose joy journal.” On April 21, 2018, I went to a women’s conference at my church. It had been a little over four months since my diagnosis of stage 4 kidney cancer and I was still recovering from having my kidney removed, having my hip replaced, and from radiation to my spine and hips. My energy was low, but was relatively pain free and could handle one event a day. So I decided each day what I wanted to do most and that was my one thing. That Saturday morning, I felt a strong prompting that I needed to go to this woman’s conference, so I spent the time and energy getting dressed up and out the door.
Women’s conference
The guest speaker was a beautiful woman who had survived brain cancer. She shared inspiring messages like “the Lord will make your burdens light”, “put His yoke upon you and you will receive rest”, “angels are fighting with you, etc.” She showed pictures of herself in a wheelchair, re-learning how to walk, and getting an MRI. When I saw the picture of the MRI machine, I began to sweat and feel very uncomfortable. I had lost count of how many MRI and CT scans I had had. She also told all of us that whatever our trial….. we needed to have JOY.
Feeling MAD
I heard nothing else after she said that. It felt like she was kicking me in the gut while saying, “you’re supposed to like this, get happy, have joy…” It felt abusive and I was MAD. I pridefully thought to myself, “easy for you to say standing triumphantly at the end of a successful outcome. What about those that don’t recover?”
Turning to my friend sitting next to me I said, “I don’t always have joy.” I thought of the excruciating pain I had been through and how I had at one point actually thought it might be nice to have a bullet through my head. I did not know how anyone could have joy during that pain. I grieve the loss of what I thought my life would be. My planned future includes being here to see my kids get married and having a relationship with grandchildren. I want to retire with my husband. These things may not ever happen for me. These are sad thoughts.
Feelings of anger, sadness, shame, guilt and confusion
Every woman was given a “choose joy journal” to record things that brought us joy each day. I numbly picked it up and went home. All day and night I thought about it. I felt mad, then sad, then shame, then guilt, then confusion. Mad that I was told how to feel. Sad and sorry for myself and my situation. Shame at my prideful feelings toward the speaker and how “I would give a much different talk.” Guilt that I was not choosing joy and was not appreciating the blessings I already had. Confusion because I did not know how to choose joy. Was I not happy enough? How could I ever find joy? Did I want to be mad and sad the rest of my life (however long that would be)? No, I wanted to be happy, but I did not know how to do it.
One step enough for me
The next day my Bishop spoke in Church. He spoke about a time when he was having a hard time finding a job and his worry about how he would support his family. He was overwhelmed and after prayer, listened to the words of the Hymn, “Lead Kindly Light.” He read the first verse of the song,
“Lead Kindly Light amid the encircling gloom. Lead thou me on, the night is dark and I am far from home. Lead thou me on. Keep thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me.”
“I do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me”. Those words spoke directly to me. I can do one step at a time. Looking at the whole ugly awful scene ahead was overwhelming and I was paralyzed. But I can do one minute, one hour, one day, one MRI, one infusion treatment, one surgery at a time. And I can find one thing each day that brings me joy.
Feeling exquisite joy
Finally I felt I could embrace my “choose joy journal.” And I might find beauty and joy amid the ugly storm I was in. That day I opened my choose joy journal that and wrote, “I can sleep on my side now without pain.” And I smiled and felt exquisite joy! Now every time I lie on my side I feel the same exquisite joy! It was the best I could come up with that day.
Since then my choose joy journal entries have become more rich and I recognize great blessings and miracles. For example, a recent entry in my choose joy journal was, “I spend every Sunday eating dinner with my whole family together.” I am actually fighting this cancer with joy and I never saw that coming! I can ALMOST say I am thankful for this cancer experience…. Almost. With gratitude, I will continue with my choose joy journal. Now you know the back story.