Preparing for an outpatient surgery
Wednesday morning I will have an outpatient surgery to place a port in the large vein in my chest just under my collar bone. It is a fairly routine surgery that is done often at the hospital. For me it will be the second one I have had placed. The first one failed and had to be removed. This time I am telling myself, “I am not afraid.” This is definitely not my first surgery! My other surgeries were much more involved and I was in the hospital for a week each time. If you want to read about how I prepared for one of my orthopedic surgeries, click here: https://juliesnotdyingtoday.com/operation-humpty-dumpty-rallying-the-troops-getting-prepared/ and here https://juliesnotdyingtoday.com/faith-to-take-the-next-step/.
My first port: fail
I was so excited to get the port the first time and eagerly went to the hospital to have it done. I was not afraid. Everything seemed fine at first. Two weeks later I used when I had CT scan. It was so wonderful not to have to be poked in order to find a vein! But unfortunately, after it was used the first time, it seemed to roll under my skin. It bruised, and then a wound opened up over it and it drained fluid daily. When it was removed, they found a large hematoma (clot of blood) around it. They don’t put you completely asleep for the procedure. As it was being removed, I saw and heard the terrified resident call for the attending physician to help. It was not a good experience.
I need a port: deciding to try again
They offered to put in another port immediately after the first one was removed, but I have been putting it off. I was afraid of another bad experience. Each time I go to get labs, or a CT scan, or an infusion, however, I endure many pokes to find a viable vein. Most of the veins that worked before are scarred and unusable. The remaining veins are small and deep. After enduring this yet again a couple of weeks ago, I decided it was time to try the port again. My oncologist arranged for this to happen this Wednesday!
Come Follow Me: I am not afraid
As the day of the surgery gets closer, I am experiencing anxiety. Today to distract myself, I pulled out my scriptures and read First and Second Timothy in the New Testament. It is the assigned study for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints around the world for next week. Here is the link to the 2019 study guide for individuals and families https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-new-testament-2019/using?lang=eng. There is also a video of other people and families explaining how they study together. There is something unifying and comforting studying the same thing with my faith brothers and sisters around the world. We study individually and together with our families. Then we discuss what we studied at our church meetings on Sunday. The program is called, “Come Follow Me.”
I read, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” As I read this scripture again, my anxiety decreased. My fears about my upcoming procedure disappeared. I can honestly say, “I am not afraid!” As I closed the scriptures, two young men from church knocked on my door. They came to administer the sacrament because I did not make it to church today. The spirit of God filled my living room as they broke the bread and blessed the bread and water. I am so grateful for these young men! They noticed I was not at church and asked my husband if I would like for them to come. When I don’t go to church, others notice and look after me. I feel very loved.
What fears do you have? You are not alone and you do not have to be afraid.
All of this may sound silly to you. My upcoming surgery is not a major one. But to me I am comforted and grateful to my Father in Heaven for Paul of the New Testament, for the scriptures, for the love and support of my family, my friends, and my brothers and sisters from church. I am so grateful for my faith. It grows stronger everyday as I face new challenges everyday. I am not afraid. I think anyone living with cancer, or any other challenge should strengthen their faith, whatever faith they belong to. It helps. What fears do you have today? What challenges do you struggle with? Do you have something coming in the next few weeks that brings you anxiety? You are not alone, and you do not have to be afraid.