It is the eve of yet another surgery. I am prepared. I have done all the pre-surgery testing and I have been “approved” for surgery tomorrow. I met with the nurse and anesthesiologist. They remembered me from the hip surgery, so we are just getting the gang all together again. My surgeon has studied my CT scans and knows the approach she will use. I have frozen soup and muffins in my freezer prepared by angels on earth from my recipes. My bag is packed. Friends are praying for me. I feel the love and prayers of friends, family, and ancestors. My entire family is here. My home is filled with love. I am not afraid, just ready to get this show on the road. As I was packing, on my desk I saw this picture of a pioneer girl walking along a path. The artist, Salvador Alvarez called it, “Joy in the Journey.” He painted a series of pioneer paintings for his joy in the journey collection. I wrote him an email and asked for permission to purchase a digital picture of this for this blog. He gave me permission and gave me a digital print. Here is the link to his website; https://salvadoralvarez.com/ He explained that he had often seen pictures of pioneers but they were always depicted as suffering and sad. He wanted to paint pioneers with joy because he knew that they must have had joy along their difficult journey. Of this picture he said, “A brightly clad pioneer girl walks with purpose along a path of filtered sunlight. There is a briskness in her step and a joyful anticipation of the road ahead as she moves forward with the perfect brightness of hope”. I come from a heritage of pioneer ancestry. I have their grit, determination, faith in God, and hope in my blood. They left me a legacy that gives me strength to continue this cancer experience one step at a time with faith, even though I may not know what I am stepping into, or what I will experience next.
I compared Salvador Alvarez’ painting with a painting I did at one of those classes where a teacher helps you paint a painting. I am no artist and I did not initially intend it, but my painting became a representation of the beginning of my cancer journey. I painted the large red/black brush area to the right on the bottom much more prominent and menacing that the original photo I was copying. To me it represented my primary kidney tumor. The red all over the picture to me represented metastasis to other areas of my body. The girl at the bottom is me as I am prepared to take my first steps along this scary unknown path. I am standing in the dark. I remember seeing the white area in front of me that kind of looked like a path and I thought, “there will be light along the way, I just have to find it.” There is light and joy all around me. I have suffered quite a bit with pain this last week and a half, but the depth of suffering and pain is matched and exceeded in the joy I am experiencing from the faith and prayers of others and the service that continues to be shown to me. A couple of days ago a friend visited and prayed with me. She asked me what I wanted. I told her the Lord knew I wanted these tumors to stop growing but He also knew I will accept it if that is not His plan for me. For today I told her that I want to be able to endure all of this with grace. I am looking at Salvador Alvarez’ painting of the pioneer girl. I hope she can show me how.
Coni says
We love you and are on this journey with you and your family. Always praying that we are worthy to receive your kindness,joy, and love.
We want to help you carry this unbelievable burden of cancer, so you do not feel you are alone. You have blessed my life is so many ways. 😍
Julie Shill says
Thank You Coni!
You should not pray to be worthy of my kindness, joy and love. Of course you are! I love you. I am blessed with your friendship. Thanks for carrying my burden. You are helping it become a lighter burden.
Pam Fennell says
My heart is with you today.
What a beautiful blog
Julie Shill says
Thank You Pam.