I’ve been asked to speak at an adult session of Plano Stake Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints this Saturday night, Sept. 11, 2021. I will be speaking on lessons learned from cancer and how faith in Jesus Christ helps me have joy while suffering. I wrote my talk and now I need a miracle. You see, Thursday morning I had my vocal cord injected with filler. It immediately made drinking liquids easier, but my voice is hard to hear and will take a week or two to get better. I only have five more days before the conference. I guess we will see if it is meant to be or not. My talk is posted below. I decided that if I am hard to understand Saturday, the talk will be here for people to read for any who may be interested.
Update: Sept. 11, 2021: It is a miracle! I was able to read my talk and my voice was strong enough. I appreciate all of the prayers on my behalf.
Introduction
Hello, everyone,
My name is Julie Shill. Our family has lived in the Plano Stake for 25 years. My husband Curt and I have two adult children and one grandson, and a granddaughter who will arrive any day. I worked for 20 years as a physical therapist, a career I absolutely love. 3 ½ years ago, in December 2017, my life turned completely upside down when I was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer. I left work one day for some diagnostic tests and never went back. The Lord has blessed me with an amazing medical team that has helped me fight and stay alive all this time. I have experienced and learned quite a bit living with a terminal disease.
President Moon called me recently and asked me if I would speak to you tonight about lessons I have learned, and being saved by Christ. I hope as I share from my experience, you are able to relate these experiences to yourself and the challenges and struggles that you are facing. I also recognize that I don’t know it all when it comes with dealing with challenges. Each person must apply principles to their own specific situation.
How to find joy while suffering
As a teenager in an early morning seminary class, I memorized 2 Nephi 2:25 from the Book of Mormon.
“Adam fell that men might be, and men are, that they might have joy”
2 Nephi 2:25
Adam and Eve made it possible for us all to come to earth and to learn from challenges in our lives. And what are we to learn? To have joy. In the garden of Eden, joy was not possible because there was no misery or pain. We needed to come to earth, experience challenges, and learn how to have joy. Our Father in Heaven does not want us to trudge through life without joy.
President Nelson said,
“The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives. When the focus of our lives is on God’s plan of salvation…and Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening or not happening in our lives. Joy comes from and because of Him. He is the source of all joy.”
November 2016 Ensign
Throughout my life, I’ve had many experiences of joy. I have learned to rely on the Lord, and I experience joy with the recognition of blessings from the Lord. With cancer, however, I have learned how to find joy while suffering. Note that I said WHILE suffering and not AFTER or INSTEAD of suffering.
1. One step at a time
In the spring of 2018, early in the first year of cancer, I had already experienced a complicated surgery to remove a large grapefruit sized tumor and my right kidney. Two weeks after that surgery, I had a hip replacement surgery to remove tumor from my hip. I was recovering well from both surgeries, and felt well enough to go to a stake women’s conference here in the stake center one bright Saturday morning. My body was recovering well, but my spirit was beat up and in bad shape.
The guest speaker was a beautiful woman who had experienced a brain tumor. She shared her experience of going through surgery and relearning how to walk. That morning she stood triumphantly and shared messages to all of us that the Lord will help us through challenges and angels will make our burdens light. I remember she said that we must find joy amid the suffering. After she said that I don’t remember anything else she said. I wasn’t ready to hear that. Bitterness waved over me. I turned to my friend Sarah Ganbat whom I was sitting next to, and knew of my cancer struggle, and told her that, “I don’t have joy.”
Instead of listening to the rest of the guest speaker’s talk, I glared at her and became madder and madder. I felt like she was kicking me in the gut and all the while telling me that I was supposed to like it. It felt abusive to me. I started to have prideful, self-righteous thoughts, like, “easy for you to say at the end of a successful cancer fight. Some of us will not recover.” And “boy if I were giving this talk it sure would be different.” I have not overlooked the irony that now I am giving that talk, so, if some of you are angry, I get it. I hope you can find the strength to listen to the rest of the talk.
That evening, my bishop, Bishop Ganbat, and the stake president, President Beech, came to visit me in my home. Boy did they get an earful. I tearfully dumped out all the details of my medical situation, and the lack of hope I had. It was all so overwhelming and I did not know how to deal with it. Both men listened to it all and prayed with me.
The next morning was our ward conference. Bishop Ganbat spoke to us about a time when he was looking for employment and felt overwhelmed about how he would be able to support his family. He was prompted with the words from the hymn, Lead Kindly Light, particularly the phrase, “keep thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me.” Bishop shared that he was able to just take one step at a time and not worry about more than that, until he found employment..
“Keep thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant scene. One step enough for me.”
Hymns 97
That message wrapped me like a hug and warmed my heart. I was paralyzed as I considered my entire health situation, all the tumors, all the surgeries and treatments I would be doing, all with the hopelessness of knowing that my cancer would not be cured. I couldn’t face the entirety of my situation, but I could do one step at a time. One step, one day, one doctor appointment, one procedure, one scan, one surgery at a time. I could do that. I felt great relief when I realized I had a plan forward one step at a time, and I was grateful for Bishop Ganbat and for this revelation.
2. Recognize and be grateful for your blessings each day
All of the women at the conference were given a “choose joy” journal. We were asked to write in it something that brought us joy each day. I remember numbly picking up my choose joy journal and driving home. After finding hope with the one step at a time plan, I decided I could find something to be grateful for each day and write it in my choose joy journal.
I pulled out my choose joy journal and wrote, “I can sleep on my side.” It was all I could come up with at the time. You see, I am a side sleeper, and after my surgeries I was unable to sleep on my side. I slept on my back for months. Recently, however, as I healed, I found I could lie on my side. That night I felt exquisite joy as I rolled over to my side. It was a joy like none other. Since that night, I have found things of greater substance for my choose joy journal. Things like being grateful for family, an excellent medical team, time with grandchildren, etc. But even today, years after my first choose joy entry, every time I lie down on my side, I feel exquisite joy just like that first night.
3. Know you are not alone
Heavenly Father shows me I am not alone through the ministering of all of you, my friends. I cannot begin to list all of the wonderful acts of service I have received so I won’t. I will just leave you with one example. One sad day after an oncology visit, Curt and I learned that my cancer had spread to my brain. On the drive home we were both silent and tears of sadness dropped down my face. I remember telling Curt, “all I want are some of Chari Terry’s pretzels.” You see, my friend Chari makes wonderful homemade pretzels. It was a tender mercy from God when just a few minutes after returning home, Chari rang my doorbell with a basket of her homemade pretzels! No one had called her, she just felt like it was a pretzel kind of day and thought I might need some.
4. Reach out for help
Early on, my oncologist recognized that I would benefit from counseling and referred me to a counselor who specialized in oncology and grief. She helped me a great deal and led me to a support group here in Plano, with other people like me, who have metastatic cancer. It helps me to know that I am not alone in this cancer struggle. The people in that group have helped me learn how to live with stage 4 cancer. I learned how to spend my days enjoying my life instead of waiting to die.
My counselor worked with me and we discussed leaving a legacy. I realized that the legacy I will leave has mostly been created by my life up to this point. Cancer has given me time to add to the legacy. I gained the motivation to write a personal memoir, finish my PhD degree, and make baby quilts for grandchildren. My days are meaningful despite my disability, and that gives me joy. Sometimes reaching out for help from a professional counselor, or medical doctor is necessary to get through your challenges. I have a testimony of that.
5. Pray Always
During particularly hard days that are filled with pain or unpleasant side effects, I have learned that I am never suffering alone. My Father in Heaven is with me. Cancer has strengthened my relationship with Him. I have learned to pray always. When I pray I always immediately feel peace. The pain does not always go away, but the peace and calm help strengthen me so that I am able to endure it. I feel like Christ is holding my hand as I endure the pain. Praying always helps me find joy amid suffering.
6. Understand and appreciate the atonement of Jesus Christ
I have been asked if I have faith enough to be healed. One well meaning friend expressed concern that I needed more faith to be healed. I remember thinking about that with some concern. Was my faith not strong enough? If I showed more faith would I be healed? Was my lack of faith preventing a healing miracle for me? For months and months I was troubled. I knew that Heavenly Father had the power to heal me completely, I was just not sure he would. Was that a lack of faith?
I had many blessings before different surgeries and procedures. I kept waiting to hear the words that I would be healed. Finally in one blessing, I heard the words, “You will be 100% clean.” I felt warmth over my whole body and immediately realized that because of the atonement, I would be completely clean, with a body that is whole.
I felt a new appreciation of the atonement and was flooded with joy. Jesus Christ already did everything he needed to do to heal me. He gave his life for me and conquered death. I have an answer now for anyone asking me if I have faith to be healed. It is that, “I am already healed.” Christ has already done it. I think we only have timelines here on earth. When it is my time to experience a perfect body, and new life, what joy! I have such joy thinking of it now. I have learned that the more we understand what Christ has done for us, the more joy we have amid our struggles and challenges.
President Oaks said,
“The resurrection provides us hope and the strength to be patient…It also prepares us with the courage and dignity to face our own death – even a death that might be called premature.”
President Oaks ” What has our Savior done for us?” April 2021 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
This statement is true in my life. I am able to face my death with peace and joy. I do not feel cheated at all. My life has been beautiful and filled with joy
Conclusion
The lessons I have learned about how to have joy amid the struggle are:
- take one step at a time
- recognize and be grateful for your blessings each day
- know you are not alone
- reach out for help
- pray always, and to
- understand and appreciate the atonement.
I hope you can find joy in your lives as you struggle with challenges, because we are here to learn about joy, to find joy, and to live with joy. As the scripture in 2 Nephi says,
“Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy.”